August 4, 2011

Avoiding the inevitable

The time will come soon when I must Hug my husband goodbye for the Fourth time. My heart is conflicted as I mentally prepare myself for this DEPLOYMENT. First and foremost it's not Iraq he is going to be at, I will leave it up to you to make the assumption as to where he will be going. I am scared. I do allow myself to feel this sometimes. Every now & then, I think to myself how many times being in the Infantry can you avoid being physically hurt or killed? I know that is such a terrible way to look at it but there is always the "What if"  factor... The one thing Mr.W has going for him is he is the acting First Sergeant so all of his time is spent at a desk. This is not a locked in position he may end up doing ground work as in finding IED, Raids, Shooting.. EEEEEK. 

I wonder in my head How many times can we as a family do this. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone you may Never see again. This is the best way to describe how I FEEL

•I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.

•When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.

•I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.

•I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.

•I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear.

•I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots.

•I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free.

•I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”

•I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.

•I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.

But, most importantly:
I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

2 Happy Thoughts:

The Keel Gang said...

You said so many things that ring true in my heart as well. We are half way through our 4th deployment & the only comforting thing I can share with you at this point is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Let others provide you strength when you do not have enough for yourself anymore; first & foremost, Heavenly Father. I will be the first to admit I am not nearly worthy enough to receive all the blessings I have received these past 6 months but I also believe He blessings us because of the worthiness & selfless service of my husband too. I like what you said about 'despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh'. I wonder this about my husband each time we are faced with being so far apart for so long. You said everything so beautifully. I couldn't help but let it allow me to shed a few tears of knowing we do not have to face these deployments alone although we may feel so lonely at times.

Wendy said...

I am thankful for to you for being so honest. I can't say that I know how you feel or know what it is like to experience what you do. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you will find answers to what you don't know and especially that you will excel at doing what you do know. In true sincerity I am thankful for YOU and what you do for your family. Tears sting my eyes as I read because I don't know what to say but hope you will be given the gift of friendship, strength, and peace.